My mower won't run

Hi, I bought a mower here yesterday and it won't run.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.  What's happening with the mower?
Well, the cord won't pull.  It's like the engine is seized.
OK, could you show me which mower out here on the floor?
It's this one.
All right, let me pull it out...Do you see these thumb screws at the bottom of the handle?  When you take the mower out of the box, the handle is in storage position.  The mower won't run with the handle like that.  You have to remove these thumbscrews, and then slide the handle out eight inches, and then replace the thumbscrews.  Like this.
I did that.
Oh.  Well let me take a look at it.  Is the mower here?
No it isn't.  What if I just want my money back?
I can do that, but both looking at it and refunding your money require the mower to be here.
NEXT DAY.
Hi, I brought the mower.  It's in my car.
OK, let's get it out and put it on the ground here...Do you see these thumb screws at the bottom of the handle?  When you take the mower out of the box, the handle is in storage position.  The mower won't run with the handle like that.  You have to remove these thumbscrews, and then slide the handle out eight inches, and then replace the thumbscrews.  Like this.
Huh.  Is this in the owners manual?

Need some information about filters...

Tool Dept, this is Chris
Hi, I'm looking for a filter for my shop vac.  It's a 6.5 EXP.
OK, do you have the model number for your vac?
Yes.  It's one of yours.  It's a 6.5 EXP.
Yeah, the number I need is three digits followed by five digits.
Well, I don't see anything like that.  It's a 6.5 EXP.
I'm sorry, that doesn't mean anything to me.  If you bring the filter in we can try to match it up.
Oh, well I don't have the old filter anymore.
Or you could bring the vac in and we can figure it out that way.
OK.  You know, I have the part number for the filter here.  Would that help?

My parts didn't show up! Neither did my tractor's!

Tool Dept, this is Chris.
Hi, you gave me some part numbers for my tractor and I ordered them online.
OK.
Well I got a message saying they arrived, but they didn't.  May I speak with a manager?
I'm not sure what good that would do.  Our store had nothing to do with it, right?
Well, you gave me the numbers.
Why don't you try calling UPS to get more information about the delivery?
OK.
... (minutes)
Tool Dept, this is Chris.
OK, now I really need to speak with a manager.  UPS was no help.
Well now wait a minute, let's look into this.  Do you have a tracking number?
Yes.  9200190195071300600449.
OK, hold on.
... (minutes)
OK, sir, this is not from UPS, this is a Postal Service tracking number.  Delivered yesterday at 9:30.
Really?  Huh.  I was home all day yesterday.
You need to pursue this through the Post Office or our online customer service.
Hold on a minute.
...
Would you believe it?  They stuck it in my mailbox.

Defective Battery Charger

Hi, I need to return this battery charger.

Sure, is there anything wrong with it?

Yeah, it doesn't work.  Can I trade it for another one?

OK, let's plug it in and see what's going on... it has power... the battery's charging... what's the problem?

None of these lights work.

The lights?

Yeah, these indicator lights down here.

Oh.  Those aren't lights.

What?

There are two indicator lights here at the top, green and red.  What you are looking at is a decal explaining what the lights are doing.  Quick flash, slow flash, steady, see?

Those aren't lights?

Nope.  And this charger seems to be perfectly fine.

...

OK, so I'm an idiot.

I would never say that, sir.

Will that be one blade, or a set?

Hi I need a blade for my tractor.  Here's the book.
All right, this is a 42-inch deck and yes we have a set of blades in stock.
Set?  No, it's just one blade.
OK, but it is better if you replace both.
No, the tractor has just one blade.  I took it off.
Umm.  How long was that blade?
About this long (21 inches).
So you must have two blades to get a 42-inch cut...
Huh?
See this 42-inch deck on the floor model?  There's a blade here, and one on the other side.
The other side?  Hmmm.

Can we return this patio set?

Thanks for calling the Lawn and Garden Department, this is Chris.

Hi Chris, we purchased a patio set from you last week, the Palmetto.

Yes, I think I remember.  Everything OK?

Well…

Uh, oh.  Tell me.

It was delivered two days ago and my husband put it together.  I’m afraid we’re going to have to return it.

Oh no, is there a problem with the set?

Yes and no.  It went together just fine.

OK.

But we tried to sit at it yesterday, and the sun had made it really hot.  We hadn’t anticipated that.

Um, the sun made it hot?

Yes.  Really, really hot.

The Smoking Battery

Hi, I bought this rechargeable battery here last year.  Yesterday I removed it from my drill and it started smoking.  Can I get it replaced under warranty?

Sure, I’m sorry to hear that.  Could I see your receipt?

I don’t have it.  Could you look it up?

I can, but the database is not reliable more than a few months back.  Are you sure you can’t come up with a receipt?

No, I don’t have it.

OK, what’s your name?

Bill Jones.

Phone number?

555-1234.

Alternate phone number?

555-1235.

OK, give me ten minutes.

…

…

…

…

All right, I searched the sales database for the last two years using your name and the two phone numbers you provided.  Nothing came up.  I also searched for all of the identified purchasers of that battery over the last two years.  Here’s the list, no Jones.

OK, while you were gone I thought of something.

Yes?

Are you searching just this store or others in the chain?

It’s a local database, I can see this store only.  Why?

Well, it may be that I bought it at Eastpoint.

Lifetime guarantee?

Hi, do you still have the lifetime guarantee on hand tools?
Yes, with some exceptions.  What do you have?
I would like you to replace this torque wrench.
OK, that's one of the exceptions.
What?
I'm sorry, torque wrenches are considered a specialty tool, and they have a one-year warranty.  When did you buy that one?
Probably five years ago, but this is crazy.  Where does it say one year?
It's right on the packaging.  Let me get one to show you.
Well that's stupid.
I'm sorry sir.  But torque wrenches are on a pretty good sale right now.
I'm not going to buy anything.  I want you to replace this one.
I'm sorry, but I can't do that.
This is just wrong.  I've spent thousands of dollars here over the years, but not anymore.  This is why you guys are going out of business.
Actually, I think it's because we give away too many free tools.

Special band saw blade

Good morning, Tool Dept, this is Chris.
Yes, I've called several times this week.  I'm looking for a band saw blade.
OK, what size?
It's 80 x 3/8.  I was told earlier it's out of stock.
Hold on, let me take a look.
...
Sir, I'm sorry but we don't carry that size.
What?
We have several 80-inch blades, but 80 x 3/8 is an unusual size that would have to be special ordered.
Oh?  But I need it right away.
You could order it yourself online or come in here and we would be happy to do it for you.  It would get to you in less than a week.
I see.  Well, just in case it comes in I'll call back tomorrow.

Focus

Meeting:
It's a new fiscal year.  Our focus this year will be on sales and profitability.

Thoughts:
1.  Big improvement on last year's focus.
2.  I hope the competition doesn't get ahold of this.

There's a first time for everything.

Excuse me, do you sell this product?
No, I'm sorry, we don't.  But I know Target has it.
Target?  Where is that?
Um, from the back of the mall turn right at the light on to 24 and then left at the second light.  It's very close by.
Oh.  I've never been on that side of the mall before.

Which hammer?

Hi, I work at the pretzel place and I need a tool.

Sure, what kind of tool?

The pretzels keep getting stuck in the oven and I need a hammer to bang them loose.

I see.  Right over here is our selection of hammers.

Wow, there are a lot.

Let me know if you need any more help.

OK.  Which hammer would you recommend for banging on the side of a pretzel oven?